Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Better Than Me

How do you love a body with no soul. A face with no name. A heart with no beat. This mind with no map...love it all, just like you did. How you did it so discretely, with no warning or cause. Slithering your way into a place that was guarded so well. You timed the way you were going to do it and you did it...just as you planned. But this is something we never planned. How simple it was for you to seep through all these spaces I left open. The way you re-drew the lines that had already been crossed. All the while, these lines turned into circles that seem to always follow me. The same me that you need. The me that I would offer if it were still there. But fading memories and broken promises is all that's left. And I'd give it all, if thats what you wanted. But what you wanted...the same things that you want...the same things that I'm dying to fulfill, and I feel it. See, I've never been in happiness, but I've been in love. I can show you how one can be without the other. But that's not what you wanna see. You can't see it from me. But it's shown...even through your blindest eyes. He took what I gave him, and he gave it away. She got what I worked for, and all that I ever wanted. Yet, you're asking me to find it, somewhere...somehow and give it to you. But I'm finding these things deep down that I already knew. Love doesn't last. I'm ready to let you leave...cause for this one time only, save yourself from me. All I want is something to hold onto. Something that's a little more guaranteed. The way you love me yields no direction. I ought to give you what you deserve...but the me that you seek is still incomplete, forgive me. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

No BOYS Allowed!!!!!



--I've gave No Boys Allowed a second listen and it has potential to grow on me. I like it for the most part, but I feel like the title isn't consistent with the album as a whole. I guess I expected the album to tell a story, much like In A Perfect World. However, Keri is still a fresh artist and in her process of finding herself I say job well done.

(She gets 3 Sil's from me)

Monday, December 20, 2010



Sunday, December 19, 2010

I Like You Because....

I like you because of you. The you that you once were. The you that you'll always be. The you that I still don't know, but the you that keeps me falling. No rush to be on solid ground because the you in me keeps me balanced. I feel all types of crazy by confessing this so soon, but the me in you should let you know that I don't have anything to lose..YET, I like you because you know me...even when I don't know myself. You see me perfectly for what I am. No need to change it. But you're changing...and I let you. Maybe I should meet you half way. But I'm scared, and you're scared. But I won't be scared to say it. So I'll say it, but that wont save it...from getting in our way. Right now...today, I want to promise you some things. I'm going to like you because of all that you mean...my laugh, my smile..it's all coming from you. And as strong as your guards are, I'm going to get through...so let's save time. Just let me in. Let me be your heart, be your rock, be your friend, be your reasons to let go, and love once more...because i'm feeing you now like never before. But I know I've hurt you and you've hurt me, and I know that feelings can sometimes mislead. But what matters is that we are here right now. Because now... the only thing that we are losing is time, just say yes already..c'mon and be mine. Yes, I like you. I really reaaallly like you because...the same things I like are the same things I love. So...I'll like you. :)

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Your touch still lingers on my skin.
Looking into your eyes..
I fall again...
As your fingers slowly trace my face
Finding something more beautiful
about it each day.

And then you kiss my lips,
and everything else..
I slowly forget.
Forgetting all that isn't you
knowing in my heart
no other man would do..
All the things you do
to make me smile...
are all in you,
it's all worthwhile.

The way I talk,
and the way you listen
as if it's the first time you've heard it before.
And I keep talking
and you keep listening
and you listen...and listen once more
And then I find time
to push you away
and you find time
to be back the next day...
I tell you I hate you
as you kiss my cheek
because deep down you know
exactly, what I really mean.
And now my heart
is so wrapped up in fear
but somehow..
you know just how to get near...
close enough to
touch my heart...
and give me faith
in our new start.
Then my mind takes me back
to all the ones before
and how...
it felt so right
but how
it ended so wrong.
And how...
they took my heart in pieces
and how...
the hurt just never ceases.
and now...
how things just feel the same
and how..
I can't keep up with this game.
Cause if I finally let you in,
You would have to accept
the person I've been.
and me accept
that you're not him.
But you could hurt me
just like he did.
did you expect this to be easy...
cause I know it's a lot to take in..
But before I jump TOO far...
Tell me your name again??

Thursday, December 9, 2010



Before I fell in love, I fell in love. Unnoticed. I gave you everything, without giving you anything at all. Unwillingly, I allowed you to caress my heart. You graced my life with your evanescent presence, and just like that...you faded away. You gave me everything I never wanted, and nothing I never needed. and that was love. Bitter, yes I was. Lonely...confused, were things I felt. But I'm standing here..still standing. Not waiting, or wandering, but wondering how time could have brought me so much pain, yet so much promise. Cause what you promised, was that "everything will be alright". And I'm alright, with or without you by my side. You see the love I have for you is no longer a burst of flame, but rather a small spark in this wind. Your heart seems way more distant, moving further each day. Your voice is unrecognizable, but I like it that way...with no sound. No control. No power over what has always been mines. Our clock is broken, but I'm STILL frozen in time. and I lost you, or did I really even lose you? For I know just where to find you if I ever feel that I should. But even if I needed you, I don't think that I could because what I'm feeling today is reality in its place. This dream we had for us was nice while it lasted. You painted it though it seems like you've already moved passed it. So this is my goodbye, for you from me. No longer holding on to what was or what should be. You are doing you, and someone else will be doing me. Don't feel bad. I will always remember the day that I fell... but YOU should remember this day...so long, farewell.

Silya Says:

"God gave us love...why is it so hard for you to give yours away?"

Friday, November 19, 2010

If I...

I'm breathing... without you. I wake up. I walk. I talk. I sleep. I wake up and do it all over again. I'm alive, so it seems. But you killed me. And things will never be the same. I have all these things to say to you, things I should have said, things I would have said, things I could have said...but I can't. If I told you how many nights I've stared up at the ceiling, afraid to turn over not wanting to smother myself in tears. How its these nights, where I look over and your side of the bed is just how you left it. And in the mirror I see how you left me... just dazed and confused. If I told you all my secrets, the things I do to fill this void of where you were supposed to be, you probably wouldn't recognize me. How these secrets have turned its back on me, how these same secrets keep on breaking me into the girl I was before you, the girl nobody knew. Because before you...there was no me. Before you I wasn't beautiful, not even a little bit. Before you I wasn't complete, not even close. I cheated myself out of life...before you, but it was you that taught me how to live it. If I told you how much I hated you, would you know I meant I love you instead? Because even when I try to blame you, I can only blame all my love that I left unsaid. If I told you how even when I'm silent, I'm still screaming out loud. That every word I write unfolds out of you. That I would give up FOREVER just to touch you again. How I fight for you even when there's no war. How I smile because I know thats what you loved the most. How I wait for you...I'm still waiting. If I told you that I close my eyes, cut off my dreams, and pray that when I open them, you're standing in front of me. But when I open my eyes all I see is that the better half of me is you, the man that I can no longer have. So if I told you, what would it change...because I look over and your side of the bed is just how you left it...without you.


I missed you, for one night only. I got over you, and then I missed you again. For that one night, I touched you, now I'm wondering if my touch is still there. See, there's really know way to reach you because you're already gone. Yet, I keep reaching. I'm on the tips of my toes, on the edge of this cliff almost overboard. If the wind blew a little harder, I just might tip over. The whole time I am falling, you watch me as if its a stranger you see...and if it is, I give you permission to take the blame from you and put it on me. Cause for that one night only, I loved you. I lost you, but then I loved you again. But when did you stop? The way you..you looked at me said...forever. But now your lips are saying, "I never...". Never what? Loved me? Or is it that you were just so much of a coward, soo scared to love someone as much as I could love you? Well, guess what...you deserved every ounce of my love and I deserve every drop of you, but the difference between us two is that I follow my heart, BUT you obviously left yours behind. So when you find it, give it back please...even if it is for that one night. One night only...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

i'm not bitter BUT...

if only you knew what it felt like to watch you look at her, the same ways you did me. she makes you laugh, and you smile. and then you smile, and she laughs...just as we did. you're singing her our song, and giving her the same thing you gave me...happiness. You caress her face, and ii touch mines, because ii can still feel where each of your fingers once were. you look my way, as ii look down. you turn your head, ii turn around...because facing you just seems so hard. the look on my face would give it all away. but maybe, just maybe...its what you need to see. Look at me, in the eyes...and say no word. gaze into my heart and see that your space is still vacant. that just because we were wrong then, doesn't mean we can't be right now. i've let you go soo many times before, and then ii remember why ii was holding on, it's you. you opened my heart in a way that no human being should have the power to do, and no amount of stitches or glue can close it back together. just take my hand, and make no sound. see how perfectly we interlock together. notice how much breath we save by not speaking, just listening to your heartbeat gets me through the day. but you're not here, and these tears won't bring you back to me. ii just wish that you could remember what brought you to me in the first place. and as reality sets back in, and ii watch you walk away. I wonder whats next for me. Cause im looking back and ii see you. ii look ahead and see you too. Mr. AlwaysBetheOneforMe, even if you never realize. It's distance that set us apart, but its you that's breaking my heart. Watching you as you watch her. I'm not bitter BUT... *exhales*

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily

Silya Says:

"The only way to lose something, is if you let it go."

I'll Love You.

I love you
I love you
I hate you
I love you
You hurt me
I love you
You left me
I love you
I hate you
But I don't
I love..
but you won't
You lied
but I love you
I cried
cause I love you
I hate you
but I want you
You let go
I hold on
I let go
and I move on ...
to loving you again.
I love you
don't go
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you
I do.
But I don't.
I still love you
and you're convinced of that too.
I'll love you.

Who knew.

Truth is...one day, we're going to realize that every mistake we made was for a good reason. You see, it was good enough for YOU, to just leave me, STILL standing here, with this sense of hope in my eyes, that one day you just MIGHT come back for me. I'm left in the middle of forgetting and remembering, my mind is in traffic trying to diffuse the two. I gave you good enough reasons to love me, but that didn't mean that you would. I handed you my heart on a silver platter, my love carved in gold, my soul wrapped in diamonds, but it seems that it wasn't a big enough offer for you. It's almost as if we fell in love to fall out of it. I cannot yet, comprehend where we went wrong, but maybe we were never right to begin with. I know it's over, yet ii really don't know. Even if you spelled it out, I wouldn't wanna know, because no matter what, it's not good enough to just let you go. Cause it puzzles me how one day I had it all, and the next day my "all" was gone. How one second i'm staring love into the eyes, and the next second ii feel totally blind. How hard you said it was to leave me, but how easily you left. How you never wanted to be without me, and now...without me, is where you need to be. How you can go on with your life knowing that there is a girl out there crying out to you, needing and wanting you, embracing all that was you...is you, but who knew? Who knew that you would walk in to my life and flip it upside down. Accept me as ii was, and everything I was not. Touch my heart, even if just for a moment. Inspire my world, my heart, my words. Teach me how to love me, just in case nobody else would. Who knew? So i'm left with an empty void, battered heart, and one unanswered question...why? But truth is, even with a good enough answer, it still wouldn't be good enough because you...you knew.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

This Time.

I don't need you to to love me...but I want you to. I don't need you to care...but do you? Ya see, I'm crying out to you, but you don't hear me. I'm tossing my heart into your hands, and you let it fall. I'm staring love into your eyes, but you don't see me. And why should you? Now that the tables have turned, flipped over, and tumbled a bit..I want you. But when you wanted to be "the one", I didn't let you. When you wanted to be my reasons to smile, I didn't smile back. When you wanted to give me the world, I broke yours to pieces. You put your heart on the line and I sat their and watched it dangle. Treating you as if you were always going to be there, but your not. It's not that I wasn't ready, cause I was born to love. Its just that you loved me sooo much and it was a scary, unfamiliar type feeling. And because I didn't know how to love you, I let you go instead. Pushed you away, and made you feel as if it was YOU that was wrong. yet, you did wrong soo perfectly. I tried to erase you, replace you, be with someone just like you...but it was always you. You. Now you hold hands with someone new. You make her smile, like ii was suppose to. And all I want is to run to you and tell you that I made a mistake. But the mistake your making is even bigger than that. The one you need, the one you love, the one...lies in me. One more chance...One more love. Say yes...this time.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


To know that every night that you close your eyes, I am the image that is left imprinted in your mind...drives me insane. To know that you loved me past my confused mind, selfish ways, and deceiving smile...hurts me. To know that that every time our eyes meet, all you will see is my unspoken lies...kills me inside. And to know that as you lay in bed alone, caressing the creases where I once laid, longing for the love that we used to give, realizing that you're the only one who is still giving it, ready for me to return my heart where it belongs..with you, remembering that ii was once only a phone call away, wondering if I am feeling the same, not knowing that if you only knew...that my heart chooses you, BUT it chose him too...and now its his arms, where I rest my head, and NOW its his lips that I keep warm instead.... just tears me apart. Torn but I deserve it. Every ounce of guilt, every tear I shed, all the hurt in my heart, and even that's not enough. Cause what you give me, is an unbearable love. A love that leaves no room for error, or pain. The way you love me ,flaws and all, leaves me questioning whether I even deserve you. My angel in disguise. My life. My Love. My everything.And for e v e r y t h i n g....I am sorry.

This is dedicated to you...my number 1. ♥

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Silya Says:

"You have to live for s o m e o n e...even if it's not yourself."


Nothing about me is perfect. Everything about me is perfect for you. our hearts are in sync even with miles resting between us. I feel you with out touch. I love you without warning. I breathe out of hope that you will allow me to love you for the rest of our lives. because my life wouldn't be worth anything if ii had to breathe without you, or love him...who's not you. you don't have to tell me to love you, because ii do it unintentionally...without cause or notice. I can't stomach who ii would be if you never had crossed my path, even though it was only for a moment of memories. No one has saw through this girl who is so broken, yet still offers to love all her pieces. No one had saw this diamond when she was coal, until you. It's as if ii am you, just in another form because you taught me how love is supposed to feel. and that's to feel it for myself, first. Now, ii live..ii laugh..ii love..ii breathe...ii thank you. ♥

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Good Morning

Wake me up from this night mare. Because the nights are always the worst. Nights are when its coldest. Nights are when everything from your day recollects in your mind. I want so much to wake up from this scare, but this is the closest ii can ever be to you. My night mare, began when I first met you. My heart did something it had never done before. It stopped. Before I could regain my breath, ii was already falling in love. Our nights...our days, made me feel impeccable. Even if it was for a second, I never wanted to be without you. Even when I wanted to give up on us, you never let me. Then things changed, all in one night. The night I watched you, in a way that I had never watched you before. Because we both knew that things would never be the same. When you've given your all to someone, your heart, your mind, your promise, your soul...its impossible to get all those pieces back when its all over. Over. Over. It's over..but it could never really be over. Because these nights keep bringing you back to me. Even in the arms of someone else, these nights still whisper your name in my ear. So ii wear ear plugs. But then these nights breeze your touch down my spine. So ii put on a sweater. And then these nights take my breath away. and my heart, stops. just like it use to when ii was with you. Soooo ii pray for good morning's cause these nights, just murdered me.


Sooo ii haven't did this in a long time...thinking about you, that is. I had finally gotten to a point where ii could roll out of bed and not dread over you not lying there. I've been actually smiling and meaning it. Open my notebook, and you'll see that ii have my days all planned out. And then my finger traces down to today and there's an empty space. Every time my time is wasting, ii waste it on memories with you. I memorize thoughts of how much easier it would be if we still loved each other like we could have, better yet...how we should have. Right now, your hand would rest in mine. My fingers slowly tracing the lines of your palm. Your palm magnetizing my touch. Enjoying each moment as if it's our last. As if there was a chance that we could last. and although ii may be last in your mind, you're still first in my heart. You meant the world to me, but the world couldn't just let us have our moments. Life wouldn't be life it things happened how we wanted them to. And as you continue with your life, trying to find love..ii want so desperately to save you seconds, and tell you exactly where to find it. I never left, even after you were leaving. F o r e v e r is in my h e a r t .

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What Hurts The Most.

Soo ii visited with my grandfather yesterday. He had been in the hospital for about 5 days. I saw that something was wrong from the time he opened the door to his house. He said that the doctors had been running tests and they think it may be lung cancer. Cancer. But they will be sure when they get the results back next week. He says I'm the only person he has told as of yet. but what do ii say to that? Cancer. And what hurts the most is that I never had that close relationship with my family like I wish I had. I never felt that unconditional kinda love from anybody, but through all that..I still love them all unconditionally. But love can't save a person from dying. Sooo im on my knees praying for better news..better days. Cancer. Yet there's still reasons to smile. ♥


im dreaming of you until you meet me here. your face flickers on and off in my mind. like a puzzle, im trying to piece you together. rest your head on my shoulder. be quiet. let's just feel for lost time. but you're not even here. its just nice to pretend that you are. listening to this music in the headphones. listing the words for what they are, my reasons to think about you. so ii dance. dance around the fact that each day is a struggle. a struggle to try to not understand. a struggle to not regret you. a struggle to not love you, but we all know thats hard to do. the beat in my heart is irregular from me trying to now...unforget you. forgived you and the fact that you must do what you have to do for you. but for you, there's me. always....in my night mind.

Silya Says:

"The only way you'll know its worth, is if you risk...it all."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


head to toe. from all the depths of my soul. through the blood in my veins. from the heart in my chest... ii feel it. I feel it, but ii dare not speak it. At least not of my mouth. Sooo hard to admit it...don't want to forget it. But ii must confess it...then let it...be.

At night, ii still think about you.
I often smile to myself,
for the previous enactments we shared...
has become a part of me.
Ya see, your the other half of me
and just as ii thought that ii gave you all of me..
ii realize that there's a better part of me
just swaying and brewing..
can't let this go to waste.
Sometimes when the wind blows
it comforts me.
For that moment ii feel what it felt like..
how it felt, to lay in the arms of someone who loved me.
And when im alone
I close my eyes reaaaally tight
and hope to God that when ii open them,
you'd be asking me what the heck ii am doing.
And we'd just laugh it off
as I realize that this was all a dream.
But dreams are the only glimpses ii get of you.
I wanna get to you...
Get to you.
I gotta get to your heart.
I gotta see you happy..
and although ii wanna be the one,
the one that gives you that feeling...
if its so,
If its finally time to let you go.
I confess..
that it is something...
that ii already know.

T H E E N D.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Kem Why Would You Stay w/ Lyrics

At least he know's what hit em' :-)

A Girl Like Me

ii wish ii could say, WHATCHA SEE IS WHATCHA GET! But that would be somewhat of an understatement. Though I would say i'm like a book. and EVERY good book has a cover. On the outside i'm painted well. no need for descriptions :) but inside i'll tell you everything you want to know IF you take the time out to read me. I wouldn't say I'm complex, because I'm very easy to please. But there are different parts to me that come together to make one heck of a person.

I'm querky and smart
I play dumb, because I can..
I'm short but I dream tall,
and I can barely depend on anyone.
I trust easily and love hard,
I appreciate the downs for leading me up.
I'm funny, (so they say!)
I guess I'm a lot of people's entertainment!! :-p
I rarely think about myself..
I'll make time for that rather sooner than later.
I loove to be the reason why people smile
But ii don't smile as often as I should.
I learn something new about me everyday
without anyone else's teaching
I'm close to God, yet so far away
But it's my goal to make him proud.
Ohhh, I often slip when it rains..
but ii probably shouldn't of been dancin in it in the first place!
I value my friends,
they all add something special to my life.
I don't like to be realistic UNLESS ii have to be.
I mean who are you to limit my reality???
I DON'T love guys,
BUT ii love l o v e.
That one guy.
I'll find him soon...
I laugh a lot, uncontrollably.
Like in ALLLL the wrong places. (church, weddings, practice)
But who cares!
Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.
I'm not perfect, soo stop judging me alreaady! >_<

I've hurt people because they hurt me.
NO EXCUSES, but it happened.
The past is what it is...the PAST.
If you're not the type of person to let that be,
then you prolly wouldn't appreciate a girl like me.

♥ Blaah_Lalalala!

Ready to Fall in Love - Jermaine Paul

N O T H I N G means e v e r y th i n g.

I gave you my all...ii never asked for it back. I'm not gonna stand there and list all the things ii showed you. There's no need for post its or hidden reminders. You grew tired of asking me what you could do for me in return. A movie, money, new shoes, or all of the above? Neither. Not one. You grew tired of my painful silence. That's how you felt. The thing is, my heart was talking in entirety...you just never took the time to listen.

Time. Thats the only thing I wanted, but I knew you couldn't give me. Cause if you could, you would be the first thing I'd see when I wake up, and the last image of my eyes as I laid to rest. I wouldn't have to find scattered memories of you to satisfy this lonely heart. I should be able to run to you and reach your arms, but even in your closeness...you're still soo so far away. If you were capable, you would stop looking beyond me, through me, beside me...and just have patience for our premature, aging love. You would stop..and think of me. You would laugh and think of me. You wouldn't love...without me. Hands tied. Eyes closed. Legs tangled. Feet crossed...im still able to love you. Thats what I gave you, and thats what I showed you. Your NOTHING meant everything to me...and ii sit here and laugh. Because for YOU, my everything meant nothing for you. But Im not bitter, upset, or sad. With all the hearts out there, I'm sure there's time to fall again.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Paris to Perish

don't be sad love...
don't wanna see you cry.
I know this isn't what you wanted.
But you want it.

speak to me my love...
i'll be your only listener.
I know this isn't what you mean.
But you meant it.

you gave me all my heart's desires...
implanted your love into my mind.
I know you didn't wanna do it.
But you did it.

Give it.
Gave it.
Make it.
Made it.

You made me feel like ii was guranteed a spot in your world. You held my hand as if we were interlocked for life. You knew that I would never let go. Seems as if thats when you...let go. You knew when we met, that I wasn't perfect. You loved each flaw singlely, on its own. You let me feel like it was worth it. But you weren't worth it...

You weren't worth the face I faced when you left me there alone. Or the constant stares behind my back. You weren't worth me losing my friends, and then myself. I waited my turn in line to love you just like everyone else could have, but no one else could. I had a vision, but ii assume it ran too deep. Cause im noticing everything around me, I see everything but you. I thought that was all I'd ever need.

I accept the blame, since you can't even take partial credit. I'll take whats left of me, turn around...and walk away. But I count my steps...as you let me.

Don't let me love...
We can't walk away.
I know this isn't how you planned it,
soo the plan is:

let's runaway love...
to a place call Paris.
waiting in patience..
don't let us perish.

Let me save you. ♥

Monday, July 19, 2010

Find Your Love

(T h e W o r d s )
Let's stay together til we're ghosts..
I wanna witness love..
I've never seen it close,
But I guess I gotta find it first!

( t h e heart.)

"I just wanna love somebody, forreal"-Aubrey "Drake" Graham


(t h e s o u l)

/soul mate/ -The one person who can always make you smile, who shares your hopes and dreams, who makes you whole. Folklore claims that when a soul decends to earth it splits in two, each half of the soul inhabiting a seperate body. These two people are forever after 'soulmates,' and will never be complete until they find one another.


10 Things I Hate About You

I feel this is something you've driven me to do...

to list all the things, ii HATE about you:

1. I hate the way you talk, and somehow make me listen. Keeping me hanging on your every word and the spaces and dots in between.

2. I hate the way you call me...right on time. Its like you know when I want you, even though I never say it.

3. I hate how competitive you always are. Even when we're arguing, you neeever let me win.

4. I hate the way you met me last. We'd be together if I had met you first.

5. I hate the way you laugh...because it secretly makes me laugh too.

6. I hate the way you say my name, and the butterflies that always linger inside of me.

7. I hate that it hurt you to hurt me. Yet, that didnt stop you from doing it.

8. I hate the way you make me feel comfortable. It seems you see right through me.

9. I hate the way you love me. Patiently, forgivingly, with unconditional measures.

10. And ii hate the way, I don't hate you at all. In fact, I love you more than you can ever know.


They say a picture can say a thousand words. But they didn't tell us that the same picture that makes us laugh, can make us cry, make us angry, questioning why. A frozen stillshot of what was. A mental image of what could've been. Memories, whether good or bad, bring you back to a place in your life...some place that you thought was worth keeping. Its something in life that you either wanted or needed to be remembered. Evidence. Evidence of lies..evidence of love..evidence that this happened. It happened. We happened. Love happened. Truth happened. Reality happened. Thus life started happening all over, again. You can try and burn the picture, the physical evidence, BUT once you've seen it, once you've lived it, and once you felt it...your kinda stuck. I wonder how many readers kno what its like to feel stuck! Stuck in a way that no matter which direction your looking at, or what type of high-tech GPS you have on your phone...you STILL don't know which way to go. Or even if its worth going in the first place. Even if they said it was a remedy to erase you, knowing me, ii probably wouldn't. Cause one day, I'm going to want to remember. Remember me, me before you, me with you, and me without you. That day im going to remember how with you, we made love , without even 'making love'...remember? ♥

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Its so easy to pass up s i l e n t cries...

Lifes Lessons: Once She Makes It

Question: What do you think about the balance between the successfully financed and the responsibilty of serving others through giving back ?

The responsibility that I would like to hold in someone’s life is not to carry them, but to inspire them. I am a young woman who knows how it feels for all of life’s cards to be faced against you. It takes a person of strength, determination, and perseverance to uplift themselves against all odds. There are some, however, that belong to a fortunate crowd of people that maintain stable success and a wealth of finances. Everyone is all too familiar with the saying, “life is what you make it”, yet what happens once you have made it?
I stand by the notion that if you are financially capable, it is responsibility to give back, but there is an extent to how and what is given. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with free money, but that only gets a person so far. Sometimes it isn’t how much money someone can give back, but sometimes it’s what you can offer the person in need of help. Personally, I like the idea of being given money so that I may become financially stable and have a less stressful educational experience, yet I would love even more if I were given the opportunity to earn it. Giving money to those who cannot help themselves, those born in poverty, and unfortunate situations is a very gracious and humane act of kindness. It gives people hope and a fresh start! There are many others that CAN help themselves, but just don’t take the initiative to do it. These are the ones that expect instead of appreciate things, and the same ones that wait for things to come their way instead of going out and making life better for themselves. For these people, giving back could have much more long-term value by offering mentoring, scholarships, intern- /job opportunities, or a simple act to show that someone cares.
Collectively, we must expand our minds into what “serving others by giving back” entails. We must give back to a person what’s missing in their lives. Someone, somewhere, there is a person in distress in need of someone to talk to. There are third-world countries with families that just want clean water. There are guys on the corner, who just need some words of advice or a push in the right direction. And then there are people like me who just want to be happy, however that may be. I encourage the successful to give back not only out of their pockets, but out of their hearts. Who knows, it just may mean the world to someone else out there!

THE MESS I MADE - parachute

Love chose me...and ii choose you. I promised myself that I would never give up on love, thus you , are who i will long for forever. don't make me wait...forever.

She is Love

find me. before ii do..cause what you'll see is beautiful. you'll see a girl whose afraid to make mistakes, but she makes them anyways. you'll see a girl who worries too often, and trusts too easily. you can see that! but look further, and you'll see a girl thats loneliest in a room full a people. you'll see a girl that smiles out of hope and lives out of love. you'll see that even when she's unaffected, she's still affected.this girl is scarred inside and out, but still finds reasons why each cut was beautiful. this girl has become has become all too familiar. ii can finally stare me in the eyes and this girl is what ii see. im glad that no one can see life through my eyes, im glad that no one can feel life how ii feel it, and no one can ever live life how ii live it. One day, someone's gonna ask, "Who is Silya?"...and that day, its okay to say, "She...is love."

she's baack!!!!

lemme first apologize for my three-week hiatus. it's easy for some to read what im feeling, but its not quite that easy when you're the one feeling it. I've tried to think of what else ii could possibly blog about, but everything ii tried to change was all the things that make me who ii am. im SUCKAforLOVE! And if you aren't by now, stick with me. I'll show what its alll about!

P.S. I'm baaaaaaaaaack! ♥

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Point of it All

Let's face the facts...or more like the truth. I know now, that I'm probably going to love you forever...if not beyond that. But at this very moment...ii no longer want to. It's tiring to think about trying not to think about you. To think if i'm crossing your mind as often as your resting on mines. What we had was inarguably beautiful. And just when I get in my state of mind where ii feel like 'everything happens for a reason'.. ii say no they don't...and if they do..ii want to know every single one. Right now. *sigh* but right now ii have someone in my life that makes me ask no questions. All ii do is feel...feel for him in every inch of my soul...but not my heart. I think my hearts so confused, ii couldn't trust it if ii wanted to. I know that me and this guyy are going to get to a happy place... a place far more happier than we already are, and unintentionally i'm going to push him away. i'm going to accidentally find little reasons of why ii should be alone instead of happy with him. Well at least thats how ii feel now. But ii know once ii start believing in my heart that happiness doesn't have to be just temporary, then that's when i'll let love take it's course once again. the point of it all is thats it's all because...of you...

Here's Too Us..

I've always been told that life is a game. You have some that were born winners. There's others with vengeance in their eyes to play the game at all costs. Survival of the fittest. Doing anything they have to do to get to where they have to go. That includes hurting the ones that where by your side while you got there...And then there's others like me that are just learning the rules. You either play the game or let the game play you. I've tried the rules...they may work for everybody but im somebody different. The playing 'hard to get', the 'keeping your guards up', the 'never wearing your heart on your sleeve', and the 'money over everything'...all key things to a life full of success. But ii won't be where ii wanna be, if ii don't have someone to share it with. I remember when I was in the 9th grade, ii prayed to God and told him all ii wanted was somebody to love, ii said ii would endure all the ups and the downs, the joy and the pain..all ii wanted was to love. Boy oh boy did he give me ALL of that and all the tears that ii could bear. I got what I wanted...I've got the chance to love...and love hard. Now that I've mastered that part, ii know what it should feel like when ii get it in return. No more games. Blissful honesty and innocent love. It may not get me up the success ladder, BUT it'll get me where ii truely wanna be....in the arms of someone who loves me. Soooo here's to making our own rules...to this game called l i f e.

~ Beyonce ~ Smash Into You ~

"And im soaked in your love, and love is right in my path..in my grasp...and me and you belong. I'm willing to run, smash into you..."

Friday, June 11, 2010

My Words of the Week

"The thing about love is that there IS a difference between giving up and letting go. For one is just for the moment and one is...forever"//

How It Feels To Fly

Sooooooo we have talked everyday, all day for the past 2 weeks. Funny...cause ii still feel the same ii did on day one. We even agreed on a song that fit us perfectly. && I find myself singing it...

i was wondering maybe..
if i make you my baby..
&& we do the unthinkable..
would it make us look crazy?
or would it be so beautiful..
either way im saying..
if you ask me
I'm Ready..
If you ask me im ready//

Or am I?I have gotten so accustomed to the same things, that im scared to see what happiness feels like again. I'm scared that this feeling is becoming a little bit repetitive. Or is it that I just want it so bad for myself, even if its only temporary, just a wisp of someone elses reasons to smile. those four letters. those same four letters that can make you or break you. trip you and trick you. hurt you and change you. manipulate and derange you. yepp! those same four letters that makes all of those things worth while. l o v e. for someone to fall...for who ii am, even when who ii am isn't who ii wanna be. for someone to study the things that make me tick...just so our hearts can be on the same beat. for someone to jeopardize their happiness...just so they can feel exactly how ii feel after a long day of work. for someone to be capable of making me feel like every tear i've ever dropped, every hurt i've ever cried, and every smile i've ever faked to make things seem alright due to him, HIM, him...oh and him...was worth it? now what was it again that ii was scared of??? *sigh* if you ask me. im ready.

So Far Gone

I want to be able to look at everything ii do and say that it was worth it. But thats not possible. I've done some things that have been everything but such, but every mistake ii made makes me appreciate the lesson that much more. Whether I learn from the lesson or never do, mistakes were made to teach. I don't look at any past person in my life as a mistake, although ii used to. But now, I see that they taught me what kind of future persons too look forward too. It teaches me about the persons I need to stop expecting to be there and accept the people that never planned to leave my side. I can tell day by day that im growing. Growing from the person ii always was into the person that i've never been. But thats a good thing.The things I never did are the same things I needed to do to step forward. It wasn't a kilometer or a mile...maybe not even a leap, but its the movement that counts. I know they're thinking, she's so far gone and too far to come back. They're right. Im at my checkpoint on a one-way street. I can look back all ii want....but the only direction ii can go is laying in front of me. ♥

Friday, June 4, 2010


Where Were You.

I really don't need anyone's sympathy. But it hurts to think of what this has made me. Family. You can either love them or hate em? But what if you feel nothing at all? I mean how can ii feel for something ii never felt was there? Daddy was there in the beginning. Yep, he was there every afternoon while my mom was at work, with a different woman on her back. I couldn't have been more than 4...my sister 7 && ii can still replay each account in my head. Mommy got strength enough to leave. Maybe she was just tired of being the other woman in her own marriage. My mom remarried into what seemed like 10 years of hell. Abuse hurts, deeper than just the bruises. Its as if men could seek out my moms insecurities...sweep in and take control. I vowed that it would never be me. No man would see my weaknesses. Yet growing up with a sister, carmel complexion, and lets not forget a size 1, confidence within me was never reassured. To cry on the bus rides home from taunts and jokes about how dark ii was, for white and black kids to point and laugh and ask was ii burned...didn't quite trigger my self-esteem. For my aunts and grandparents to glow about how thin and pretty my sis was and refer to me as JUST the "straight A" student. My mind was all screwed up. In high school ii was a cheerleader but that was only to hide behind a false image that made me feel temporarily beautiful. I was sooo screwed up, ii must have only dated athletes to make me feel better. I gave them ANYTHING that they wanted: my time, my heart, my body, my soul. Anything for them to stick around just a little bit longer. But they didn't. They still don't. Of course ii know why now. *sigh* sometimes ii think if daddy would have stayed around...been the one to tell me ii was beautiful...maybe if my ex-step dad would of embraced us instead of deveined us. Maybe if my mom showed us her strength, ii wouldnt have been as weak as she was. The past is the past...&& things are coming around. but even years from now...ii will always question, where were you when ii needed you?

At Your Best

I criticize myself a lot, this ii know. im fragile, sensitive, gullable, and naiive, but ii also know that all of these are things that make me better. I have what most people lack, && that is a good heart. I couldn't even wish the worst on the person that hurt me the most. Possibly because its too close to call. I sit and ask myself, "Casilya, why do you just let people walk in and out of your life, hurt you when you try to help them, take away your smile in exchange for tears?" It took me a while, but ii finally know the answer. People will walk in your life, if only for a second, just to shake things up a bit. They teach you how to love, it teaches you how to hate, it taught me how to decide between the two. People will walk out of your life to teach you how to forgive, how to let go, and how to move on. People come back to show you that you did your part in their life, you've touched a heart or inspired a mind. People stick around to show others that they should have never left in the first place. Every downfall puts me closer to my best. I just had to learn how to take it.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Words of the Day

" You can fake a smile, but your eyes speak your soul."

Say When

Why is it so hard for people to choose? Time waits for no one. No one includes you and me. I mean ii won't lie, I do not know exactly what I'm looking for, but at least ii have some type of an idea. You on the other hand live life as if the world will wait on you. Or maybe it will, but i'll be the one person that doesn't. I dont quite know about you, but my heart beats continuously. That means 24/7. Meaning that each second, its gonna feel for you a little bit more, want you a little bit longer. There's no pausing, rewinding, or fast forwarding. I have to feel every single second. So just tell me whats it gonna be. Her or me. Them or we. Don't drag me to the end...take these words. I need my world to begin again.

Tell It To My Heart

It seems you have some explaining to do...
I feel some type of misunderstanding.
Tell me again when you tapped out...
cause ii was still in for the fight.
While you were thinking of all that was wrong
I sat believing in all that was right.
But you don't quite see it
Where we've been, where we are,
or where we could and should be.
I use to hate how much ii loved you
and now all ii do is hate you...
But, I don't...
But ii want too.
Only if that would just make you
read it,
see it,
weep it,
breathe it!
Retract these tears..
Contract these thoughts.
See what you found
and feel what you lost.
Remember me
Remember us...
Miss me
and my touch
But you can't
Or at least you won't
Your so far gone
and im flying in coach.
Wishing it was us in first class
Cruising with time
with love as our blast
and our light when its dark
still thinking of you
man ii hate this part
But its over now
Thats how you chose it to be
But whats life without you
when your loves still in me?

*When you find out, tell it to my heart. For it still needs a bit more convincing.

♥ you Shi.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

I Can't Help But Wait.

I've never had someone to tell me that ii was special. Someone who cared about my feelings so much that they wanted things to be just right. The right pace. Just so not one of my feelings would get hurt again. Someone who makes me look from the inside out because it's just as beautiful as what I'm seeing in front of me. A person that takes each day as a second chance to make it better than what preceded it. I know that God won't always give me who ii want, when ii want them. But ii do know that he is going to give me exactly what ii deserve...and that's an angel. Patience my dear. iHe says to me....ii know he is holding out on giving me this person because he wants to make sure i've found myself and my personal strength first. Cause when he places this person in front of me. I need to be able to appreciate it in all that it is...a blessing. Until then....all ii can do is wait.

Saturday, May 29, 2010


what is it that draws us to someone else? cause im drawn. ii have to admit that, just when ii can stand straight up...there is something that always pushes me to fall again. && in my case, falling for a friend is way more different than falling for a stranger.ii value my friendship with him dearly, but there has to be a reason why i've been having these 'more than friends' type of feelings. see my friend isn't someone ii would usually talk to but maybe its time for something different. *sigh* ii dont know what to do...maybe i'll see how he feels first before ii get to deeply involved. hmm...but if he asks me. I'M READY...

That's Why You're Beautiful

i need a doctor. some real type of surgeon to put me under the needle. hopefully when he dissects my mind, he can tell me when this good girl went bad. and just hopefully when he gets to my heart, he can tell me if i'm gone forever. i've already broken down my soul and its a good one. i give more than i receive, i pray for them more than i pray for me. i stress more than i embrace, but thats okay. because that's all apart of this person i've been born into. a people pleaser. yepp! my world revolves around pleasing others, making sure that they are content in life. sometimes i don't enjoy it, but i don't know how to control it. i say "no" maybe 4% of the time. Friendships...i try to savor. relationships have been hard to let go. Perhaps because so many people have walked out of my life, that i often go above and beyond to make sure they stick around. My issues, i study them. and i'm nowhere near perfect, and i know it. I'm imperfectly human...and thats why i'm beautiful!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

My Words of the Day

I'd love me...if you did too.

Forever My Lady :-p

Half of us equals each other. ♥

Porcelian Doll

Sometimes you may just see me staring off. Staring at nothing in particular. Blank expression. And you triggered it. Thinking about how things could have been. How it was. Scared of how things are going to be. How it is. I mean ii understand that life involves living. But ii wish I had a choice of whether I could live it with you. Things could have been so much easier that way. Could have been. Instead, sometimes I just feel like a puppet, being pulled in so many directions. Im that girl . But ii dont wanna be. Im the girl people think they've figured out, but most people don't have a clue. I feel more like porcelian. Hard as glass on the outside, but people could see through me if they wanted to. But they don't. But if they did, they'd probably see a heart inside...as cold as it wants to be. Cracked just enough for someone else to slip right in. But ii dont want them too. But they will. Sigh.All these thoughts in my head. I wish there was a prescription to rid them all away.//

As Days Go By-Kiley Dean

Say What's Real

I haven't realized a lot, but I've realized enough to say that life truely is what we make it. I feel like most times we choose to make it hard. We're selfish, jealous, manipulative, deceiving, pessimistic, greedy, and petty. We often take more than we give. Often talk more than we listen. && complain more than we appreciate. I feel like we've gotten accustomed to the art of expectation. We expect that in life we are suppose to be happy at least 98% of the time. Expecting our mothers to be mothers and our fathers to stick around , yet we all know they don't always stick to their definitions. && still we expect to be loved instead of hated. But often those chances are slim to none. And just when we feel like our life is falling apart, we give up. We give up because we're broke, we give up because we've made mistakes, we give up because we're loving them, and no one is loving us. And ii say 'WE' because, i'm guilty of it now more than ever. But if we just woke up and took the time out to look around. && ii mean REALLY look around. Ask yourself these questions. Am I alive? Cause their dead. Did I have a place to sleep? Cause he's cold. Can I hear? Cause he can't. Can I see? Cause she's blind. Has someone ever told me that they loved me? Cause they never heard it. Have I ever had to the pleasure to say it back? Cause she didn't know how. If today was my last day on Earth, would I have affected at least one person's life in a positive way? Hope so. Now ask yourself one last question. Am I happy? If you answered yes to at least one of these questions...then you should be. Happy, that is.