Friday, June 4, 2010
I really don't need anyone's sympathy. But it hurts to think of what this has made me. Family. You can either love them or hate em? But what if you feel nothing at all? I mean how can ii feel for something ii never felt was there? Daddy was there in the beginning. Yep, he was there every afternoon while my mom was at work, with a different woman on her back. I couldn't have been more than 4...my sister 7 && ii can still replay each account in my head. Mommy got strength enough to leave. Maybe she was just tired of being the other woman in her own marriage. My mom remarried into what seemed like 10 years of hell. Abuse hurts, deeper than just the bruises. Its as if men could seek out my moms insecurities...sweep in and take control. I vowed that it would never be me. No man would see my weaknesses. Yet growing up with a sister, carmel complexion, and lets not forget a size 1, confidence within me was never reassured. To cry on the bus rides home from taunts and jokes about how dark ii was, for white and black kids to point and laugh and ask was ii burned...didn't quite trigger my self-esteem. For my aunts and grandparents to glow about how thin and pretty my sis was and refer to me as JUST the "straight A" student. My mind was all screwed up. In high school ii was a cheerleader but that was only to hide behind a false image that made me feel temporarily beautiful. I was sooo screwed up, ii must have only dated athletes to make me feel better. I gave them ANYTHING that they wanted: my time, my heart, my body, my soul. Anything for them to stick around just a little bit longer. But they didn't. They still don't. Of course ii know why now. *sigh* sometimes ii think if daddy would have stayed around...been the one to tell me ii was beautiful...maybe if my ex-step dad would of embraced us instead of deveined us. Maybe if my mom showed us her strength, ii wouldnt have been as weak as she was. The past is the past...&& things are coming around. but even years from now...ii will always question, where were you when ii needed you?
I criticize myself a lot, this ii know. im fragile, sensitive, gullable, and naiive, but ii also know that all of these are things that make me better. I have what most people lack, && that is a good heart. I couldn't even wish the worst on the person that hurt me the most. Possibly because its too close to call. I sit and ask myself, "Casilya, why do you just let people walk in and out of your life, hurt you when you try to help them, take away your smile in exchange for tears?" It took me a while, but ii finally know the answer. People will walk in your life, if only for a second, just to shake things up a bit. They teach you how to love, it teaches you how to hate, it taught me how to decide between the two. People will walk out of your life to teach you how to forgive, how to let go, and how to move on. People come back to show you that you did your part in their life, you've touched a heart or inspired a mind. People stick around to show others that they should have never left in the first place. Every downfall puts me closer to my best. I just had to learn how to take it.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Why is it so hard for people to choose? Time waits for no one. No one includes you and me. I mean ii won't lie, I do not know exactly what I'm looking for, but at least ii have some type of an idea. You on the other hand live life as if the world will wait on you. Or maybe it will, but i'll be the one person that doesn't. I dont quite know about you, but my heart beats continuously. That means 24/7. Meaning that each second, its gonna feel for you a little bit more, want you a little bit longer. There's no pausing, rewinding, or fast forwarding. I have to feel every single second. So just tell me whats it gonna be. Her or me. Them or we. Don't drag me to the end...take these words. I need my world to begin again.
It seems you have some explaining to do...
I feel some type of misunderstanding.
Tell me again when you tapped out...
cause ii was still in for the fight.
While you were thinking of all that was wrong
I sat believing in all that was right.
But you don't quite see it
Where we've been, where we are,
or where we could and should be.
I use to hate how much ii loved you
and now all ii do is hate you...
But, I don't...
But ii want too.
Only if that would just make you
Retract these tears..
Contract these thoughts.
See what you found
and feel what you lost.
and my touch
But you can't
Or at least you won't
Your so far gone
and im flying in coach.
Wishing it was us in first class
Cruising with time
with love as our blast
and our light when its dark
still thinking of you
man ii hate this part
But its over now
Thats how you chose it to be
But whats life without you
when your loves still in me?
*When you find out, tell it to my heart. For it still needs a bit more convincing.
♥ you Shi.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I've never had someone to tell me that ii was special. Someone who cared about my feelings so much that they wanted things to be just right. The right pace. Just so not one of my feelings would get hurt again. Someone who makes me look from the inside out because it's just as beautiful as what I'm seeing in front of me. A person that takes each day as a second chance to make it better than what preceded it. I know that God won't always give me who ii want, when ii want them. But ii do know that he is going to give me exactly what ii deserve...and that's an angel. Patience my dear. iHe says to me....ii know he is holding out on giving me this person because he wants to make sure i've found myself and my personal strength first. Cause when he places this person in front of me. I need to be able to appreciate it in all that it is...a blessing. Until then....all ii can do is wait.