Where Were You.

I really don't need anyone's sympathy. But it hurts to think of what this has made me. Family. You can either love them or hate em? But what if you feel nothing at all? I mean how can ii feel for something ii never felt was there? Daddy was there in the beginning. Yep, he was there every afternoon while my mom was at work, with a different woman on her back. I couldn't have been more than 4...my sister 7 && ii can still replay each account in my head. Mommy got strength enough to leave. Maybe she was just tired of being the other woman in her own marriage. My mom remarried into what seemed like 10 years of hell. Abuse hurts, deeper than just the bruises. Its as if men could seek out my moms insecurities...sweep in and take control. I vowed that it would never be me. No man would see my weaknesses. Yet growing up with a sister, carmel complexion, and lets not forget a size 1, confidence within me was never reassured. To cry on the bus rides home from taunts and jokes about how dark ii was, for white and black kids to point and laugh and ask was ii burned...didn't quite trigger my self-esteem. For my aunts and grandparents to glow about how thin and pretty my sis was and refer to me as JUST the "straight A" student. My mind was all screwed up. In high school ii was a cheerleader but that was only to hide behind a false image that made me feel temporarily beautiful. I was sooo screwed up, ii must have only dated athletes to make me feel better. I gave them ANYTHING that they wanted: my time, my heart, my body, my soul. Anything for them to stick around just a little bit longer. But they didn't. They still don't. Of course ii know why now. *sigh* sometimes ii think if daddy would have stayed around...been the one to tell me ii was beautiful...maybe if my ex-step dad would of embraced us instead of deveined us. Maybe if my mom showed us her strength, ii wouldnt have been as weak as she was. The past is the past...&& things are coming around. but even years from now...ii will always question, where were you when ii needed you?