That's Why You're Beautiful

i need a doctor. some real type of surgeon to put me under the needle. hopefully when he dissects my mind, he can tell me when this good girl went bad. and just hopefully when he gets to my heart, he can tell me if i'm gone forever. i've already broken down my soul and its a good one. i give more than i receive, i pray for them more than i pray for me. i stress more than i embrace, but thats okay. because that's all apart of this person i've been born into. a people pleaser. yepp! my world revolves around pleasing others, making sure that they are content in life. sometimes i don't enjoy it, but i don't know how to control it. i say "no" maybe 4% of the time. Friendships...i try to savor. relationships have been hard to let go. Perhaps because so many people have walked out of my life, that i often go above and beyond to make sure they stick around. My issues, i study them. and i'm nowhere near perfect, and i know it. I'm imperfectly human...and thats why i'm beautiful!

My Words of the Day

I'd love me...if you did too.

Forever My Lady :-p

Half of us equals each other. ♥

Porcelian Doll

Sometimes you may just see me staring off. Staring at nothing in particular. Blank expression. And you triggered it. Thinking about how things could have been. How it was. Scared of how things are going to be. How it is. I mean ii understand that life involves living. But ii wish I had a choice of whether I could live it with you. Things could have been so much easier that way. Could have been. Instead, sometimes I just feel like a puppet, being pulled in so many directions. Im that girl . But ii dont wanna be. Im the girl people think they've figured out, but most people don't have a clue. I feel more like porcelian. Hard as glass on the outside, but people could see through me if they wanted to. But they don't. But if they did, they'd probably see a heart inside...as cold as it wants to be. Cracked just enough for someone else to slip right in. But ii dont want them too. But they will. Sigh.All these thoughts in my head. I wish there was a prescription to rid them all away.//


As Days Go By-Kiley Dean

Say What's Real

I haven't realized a lot, but I've realized enough to say that life truely is what we make it. I feel like most times we choose to make it hard. We're selfish, jealous, manipulative, deceiving, pessimistic, greedy, and petty. We often take more than we give. Often talk more than we listen. && complain more than we appreciate. I feel like we've gotten accustomed to the art of expectation. We expect that in life we are suppose to be happy at least 98% of the time. Expecting our mothers to be mothers and our fathers to stick around , yet we all know they don't always stick to their definitions. && still we expect to be loved instead of hated. But often those chances are slim to none. And just when we feel like our life is falling apart, we give up. We give up because we're broke, we give up because we've made mistakes, we give up because we're loving them, and no one is loving us. And ii say 'WE' because, i'm guilty of it now more than ever. But if we just woke up and took the time out to look around. && ii mean REALLY look around. Ask yourself these questions. Am I alive? Cause their dead. Did I have a place to sleep? Cause he's cold. Can I hear? Cause he can't. Can I see? Cause she's blind. Has someone ever told me that they loved me? Cause they never heard it. Have I ever had to the pleasure to say it back? Cause she didn't know how. If today was my last day on Earth, would I have affected at least one person's life in a positive way? Hope so. Now ask yourself one last question. Am I happy? If you answered yes to at least one of these questions...then you should be. Happy, that is.

Friend of the Week

I chose Eee as my friend of the week for one simple fact. I have never even actually met her and she has already been more supportive than people who have been in my life forever. Soooo here's to the unexpected one who steps in when the expected ones...step out. :)

i hate this part.

Okaay so he didn't call or text me today. Sad face. I hate this part. The part with starting over && getting to no someone new. Like he could be a fresh start, the breath of air that I need to take my mind off of him. Even if its only for a little while. It sucks though that we're already on summer break, because we just started to talk before school let out. It doesn't help if this doesn't work out because we are in the same modeling troupe and ugggh...that would be awkward. But Silya is going to stop being pessimistic right now and think positive. Now this freakn guy has this way of making me feel like a little girl again. I anticipate when he calls, or whats the next thing he's going to say. This is the first time in a long time were even if things are going wrong, im still having fun going wrong with him. Make sense? Okaay so he says that he's tired of calling me first. But ii dont like to bug people because if ii had it my way...we'd talk from a.m to p.m gladly. Its not that i'm being prideful or playing games, its more of the fact that I don't want to start liking him more than ii already do. I have to admit, I'm a little scared. Scared to be happy again, because ii don't know how fast it'll be taken away this time. I know nothing last forever...but this time...ii just wish it could.

Pick of the Day:

Spotlight Artist: Angel Taylor

Not Even Human



Spinning Wheels (Live)



And suddenly...you see me fall...

Wait Til You See My Smile.

So I'm going to TRY to make this my last blog about him. Cause I feel as if the longer that I am stuck in the past, the less happy I'm going to be in the future. Yet, presently I have a lot of unanswered questions. I was watching MTV's True Life. A couple met in college, and after college the guy went to Indianapolis and the girl went to Virgina. They had a 4 year long, long distance relationship and the 4th year, they got married. THE END. Last year around this time I felt like love could travel...and it had no constraints, but he constrained it. He gave up because it became too hard. Yet the most difficult challenges often always turn into an amazingly beautiful ending. This year, I still feel that MY love has traveled halfway...if only he would meet me right there. Rather sooner than later. Idk how many people have fell in love, saw the meaning of happiness shine through a person, and then have all that taken away in a matter of seconds and miles. Im laughing right now...because ii know God works miracles...&& ii know if God miraculously brought me and him together again..::sigh::. just wait til you see my smile.

Chris Brown-Froze

My Pick of the Day:

My Words of the Day

"My heart still has some thawing to do. Still frozen. Just how you left it..."

. S I L Y A .

Dear Silya,

Don't give up. This too...can be yours.

Mars Vs. Venus

So there's this guy. He's not THE guy. But here he is. Not knowing that just a moment ago, I had given up on love. Deep down inside of me, I feel like I've already found the one for me. I left my heart with him a year ago. But since I don't have his in return, I suppose its okaay for me to move on. Yet, I've tried. && I kept running in to the Mr. Feels So Right But In The End Your Are Still So Wrong- type of guys. But lets not dread on the past today. Sooooooo this new guy. He seems real cool. His sarcasm matches mine. I dig his style. He calls me 'ma' (blush). Ahh I'm such a geek && he's my n.e.r.d. Who cares who approves cause so far he has done nothing but make me smile. The thing is, I find that I cant quite be myself with him. And its not because I can't. Its because I just dont want to be. The thing I always tell my friends is...never to be guarded because you might miss out on someone special. Don't get me wrong, I am a very open person, but my little heart cannot take anymore heartache. I don't know if Im only making excuses because he's not h i m. No one ever will be. && it hurts me because its only holding me back. It's like i'm choosing between M a r s vs. V e n u s. him and he. When in the end, there is no comparison. Exhale.Let's see how far HE goes.

j u s t h o l d on & & d o n ' t l e t g o.

Drake - Over (2010 Juno Awards Live Performance)

Best Rapper Alive.





My Drake went home with Best New Artist && Best Rap Recording of the Year Awards. :) #thankHIMlater

&& of course...before he was Drake. He was Aubrey Graham. Either way ii LOOOOOOOVE em'.