What Hurts The Most.

Soo ii visited with my grandfather yesterday. He had been in the hospital for about 5 days. I saw that something was wrong from the time he opened the door to his house. He said that the doctors had been running tests and they think it may be lung cancer. Cancer. But they will be sure when they get the results back next week. He says I'm the only person he has told as of yet. but what do ii say to that? Cancer. And what hurts the most is that I never had that close relationship with my family like I wish I had. I never felt that unconditional kinda love from anybody, but through all that..I still love them all unconditionally. But love can't save a person from dying. Sooo im on my knees praying for better news..better days. Cancer. Yet there's still reasons to smile. ♥

Nightminds

im dreaming of you until you meet me here. your face flickers on and off in my mind. like a puzzle, im trying to piece you together. rest your head on my shoulder. be quiet. let's just feel for lost time. but you're not even here. its just nice to pretend that you are. listening to this music in the headphones. listing the words for what they are, my reasons to think about you. so ii dance. dance around the fact that each day is a struggle. a struggle to try to not understand. a struggle to not regret you. a struggle to not love you, but we all know thats hard to do. the beat in my heart is irregular from me trying to now...unforget you. forgived you and the fact that you must do what you have to do for you. but for you, there's me. always....in my night mind.

Silya Says:

"The only way you'll know its worth, is if you risk...it all."

Confessions

head to toe. from all the depths of my soul. through the blood in my veins. from the heart in my chest... ii feel it. I feel it, but ii dare not speak it. At least not of my mouth. Sooo hard to admit it...don't want to forget it. But ii must confess it...then let it...be.

At night, ii still think about you.

I often smile to myself,

for the previous enactments we shared...

has become a part of me.

Ya see, your the other half of me

and just as ii thought that ii gave you all of me..

ii realize that there's a better part of me

just swaying and brewing..

can't let this go to waste.

Sometimes when the wind blows

it comforts me.

For that moment ii feel what it felt like..

how it felt, to lay in the arms of someone who loved me.

And when im alone

I close my eyes reaaaally tight

and hope to God that when ii open them,

you'd be asking me what the heck ii am doing.

And we'd just laugh it off

as I realize that this was all a dream.

But dreams are the only glimpses ii get of you.

I wanna get to you...

Get to you.

I gotta get to your heart.

I gotta see you happy..

and although ii wanna be the one,

the one that gives you that feeling...

if its so,

If its finally time to let you go.

I confess..

that it is something...

that ii already know.

T H E E N D.

Kem Why Would You Stay w/ Lyrics

At least he know's what hit em' :-)

A Girl Like Me

ii wish ii could say, WHATCHA SEE IS WHATCHA GET! But that would be somewhat of an understatement. Though I would say i'm like a book. and EVERY good book has a cover. On the outside i'm painted well. no need for descriptions :) but inside i'll tell you everything you want to know IF you take the time out to read me. I wouldn't say I'm complex, because I'm very easy to please. But there are different parts to me that come together to make one heck of a person.

I'm querky and smart
I play dumb, because I can..
I'm short but I dream tall,
and I can barely depend on anyone.
I trust easily and love hard,
I appreciate the downs for leading me up.
I'm funny, (so they say!)
I guess I'm a lot of people's entertainment!! :-p
I rarely think about myself..
I'll make time for that rather sooner than later.
I loove to be the reason why people smile
But ii don't smile as often as I should.
I learn something new about me everyday
without anyone else's teaching
I'm close to God, yet so far away
But it's my goal to make him proud.
Ohhh, I often slip when it rains..
but ii probably shouldn't of been dancin in it in the first place!
I value my friends,
they all add something special to my life.
I don't like to be realistic UNLESS ii have to be.
I mean who are you to limit my reality???
I DON'T love guys,
BUT ii love l o v e.
That one guy.
I'll find him soon...
I laugh a lot, uncontrollably.
Like in ALLLL the wrong places. (church, weddings, practice)
But who cares!
Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.
I'm not perfect, soo stop judging me alreaady! >_<
I've hurt people because they hurt me.
NO EXCUSES, but it happened.
The past is what it is...the PAST.
If you're not the type of person to let that be,
then you prolly wouldn't appreciate a girl like me.

♥ Blaah_Lalalala!

Ready to Fall in Love - Jermaine Paul

N O T H I N G means e v e r y th i n g.

I gave you my all...ii never asked for it back. I'm not gonna stand there and list all the things ii showed you. There's no need for post its or hidden reminders. You grew tired of asking me what you could do for me in return. A movie, money, new shoes, or all of the above? Neither. Not one. You grew tired of my painful silence. That's how you felt. The thing is, my heart was talking in entirety...you just never took the time to listen.

Time. Thats the only thing I wanted, but I knew you couldn't give me. Cause if you could, you would be the first thing I'd see when I wake up, and the last image of my eyes as I laid to rest. I wouldn't have to find scattered memories of you to satisfy this lonely heart. I should be able to run to you and reach your arms, but even in your closeness...you're still soo so far away. If you were capable, you would stop looking beyond me, through me, beside me...and just have patience for our premature, aging love. You would stop..and think of me. You would laugh and think of me. You wouldn't love...without me. Hands tied. Eyes closed. Legs tangled. Feet crossed...im still able to love you. Thats what I gave you, and thats what I showed you. Your NOTHING meant everything to me...and ii sit here and laugh. Because for YOU, my everything meant nothing for you. But Im not bitter, upset, or sad. With all the hearts out there, I'm sure there's time to fall again.

Paris to Perish

don't be sad love...
don't wanna see you cry.
I know this isn't what you wanted.
But you want it.

speak to me my love...
i'll be your only listener.
I know this isn't what you mean.
But you meant it.

you gave me all my heart's desires...
implanted your love into my mind.
I know you didn't wanna do it.
But you did it.

Give it.
Gave it.
Make it.
Made it.

You made me feel like ii was guranteed a spot in your world. You held my hand as if we were interlocked for life. You knew that I would never let go. Seems as if thats when you...let go. You knew when we met, that I wasn't perfect. You loved each flaw singlely, on its own. You let me feel like it was worth it. But you weren't worth it...

You weren't worth the face I faced when you left me there alone. Or the constant stares behind my back. You weren't worth me losing my friends, and then myself. I waited my turn in line to love you just like everyone else could have, but no one else could. I had a vision, but ii assume it ran too deep. Cause im noticing everything around me, I see everything but you. I thought that was all I'd ever need.

I accept the blame, since you can't even take partial credit. I'll take whats left of me, turn around...and walk away. But I count my steps...as you let me.

Don't let me love...
We can't walk away.
I know this isn't how you planned it,
soo the plan is:

let's runaway love...
to a place call Paris.
waiting in patience..
don't let us perish.

Let me save you. ♥

Find Your Love

(T h e W o r d s )
Let's stay together til we're ghosts..
I wanna witness love..
I've never seen it close,
But I guess I gotta find it first!

( t h e heart.)

"I just wanna love somebody, forreal"-Aubrey "Drake" Graham

(the_voice)

(t h e s o u l)

/soul mate/ -The one person who can always make you smile, who shares your hopes and dreams, who makes you whole. Folklore claims that when a soul decends to earth it splits in two, each half of the soul inhabiting a seperate body. These two people are forever after 'soulmates,' and will never be complete until they find one another.

:-)

10 Things I Hate About You

I feel this is something you've driven me to do...

to list all the things, ii HATE about you:

1. I hate the way you talk, and somehow make me listen. Keeping me hanging on your every word and the spaces and dots in between.

2. I hate the way you call me...right on time. Its like you know when I want you, even though I never say it.

3. I hate how competitive you always are. Even when we're arguing, you neeever let me win.

4. I hate the way you met me last. We'd be together if I had met you first.

5. I hate the way you laugh...because it secretly makes me laugh too.

6. I hate the way you say my name, and the butterflies that always linger inside of me.

7. I hate that it hurt you to hurt me. Yet, that didnt stop you from doing it.

8. I hate the way you make me feel comfortable. It seems you see right through me.

9. I hate the way you love me. Patiently, forgivingly, with unconditional measures.

10. And ii hate the way, I don't hate you at all. In fact, I love you more than you can ever know.

Photographs

They say a picture can say a thousand words. But they didn't tell us that the same picture that makes us laugh, can make us cry, make us angry, questioning why. A frozen stillshot of what was. A mental image of what could've been. Memories, whether good or bad, bring you back to a place in your life...some place that you thought was worth keeping. Its something in life that you either wanted or needed to be remembered. Evidence. Evidence of lies..evidence of love..evidence that this happened. It happened. We happened. Love happened. Truth happened. Reality happened. Thus life started happening all over, again. You can try and burn the picture, the physical evidence, BUT once you've seen it, once you've lived it, and once you felt it...your kinda stuck. I wonder how many readers kno what its like to feel stuck! Stuck in a way that no matter which direction your looking at, or what type of high-tech GPS you have on your phone...you STILL don't know which way to go. Or even if its worth going in the first place. Even if they said it was a remedy to erase you, knowing me, ii probably wouldn't. Cause one day, I'm going to want to remember. Remember me, me before you, me with you, and me without you. That day im going to remember how with you, we made love , without even 'making love'...remember? ♥

Its so easy to pass up s i l e n t cries...

Lifes Lessons: Once She Makes It

Question: What do you think about the balance between the successfully financed and the responsibilty of serving others through giving back ?

The responsibility that I would like to hold in someone’s life is not to carry them, but to inspire them. I am a young woman who knows how it feels for all of life’s cards to be faced against you. It takes a person of strength, determination, and perseverance to uplift themselves against all odds. There are some, however, that belong to a fortunate crowd of people that maintain stable success and a wealth of finances. Everyone is all too familiar with the saying, “life is what you make it”, yet what happens once you have made it?
I stand by the notion that if you are financially capable, it is responsibility to give back, but there is an extent to how and what is given. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with free money, but that only gets a person so far. Sometimes it isn’t how much money someone can give back, but sometimes it’s what you can offer the person in need of help. Personally, I like the idea of being given money so that I may become financially stable and have a less stressful educational experience, yet I would love even more if I were given the opportunity to earn it. Giving money to those who cannot help themselves, those born in poverty, and unfortunate situations is a very gracious and humane act of kindness. It gives people hope and a fresh start! There are many others that CAN help themselves, but just don’t take the initiative to do it. These are the ones that expect instead of appreciate things, and the same ones that wait for things to come their way instead of going out and making life better for themselves. For these people, giving back could have much more long-term value by offering mentoring, scholarships, intern- /job opportunities, or a simple act to show that someone cares.
Collectively, we must expand our minds into what “serving others by giving back” entails. We must give back to a person what’s missing in their lives. Someone, somewhere, there is a person in distress in need of someone to talk to. There are third-world countries with families that just want clean water. There are guys on the corner, who just need some words of advice or a push in the right direction. And then there are people like me who just want to be happy, however that may be. I encourage the successful to give back not only out of their pockets, but out of their hearts. Who knows, it just may mean the world to someone else out there!

THE MESS I MADE - parachute

Love chose me...and ii choose you. I promised myself that I would never give up on love, thus you , are who i will long for forever. don't make me wait...forever.