The Point of it All

Let's face the facts...or more like the truth. I know now, that I'm probably going to love you forever...if not beyond that. But at this very moment...ii no longer want to. It's tiring to think about trying not to think about you. To think if i'm crossing your mind as often as your resting on mines. What we had was inarguably beautiful. And just when I get in my state of mind where ii feel like 'everything happens for a reason'.. ii say no they don't...and if they do..ii want to know every single one. Right now. *sigh* but right now ii have someone in my life that makes me ask no questions. All ii do is feel...feel for him in every inch of my soul...but not my heart. I think my hearts so confused, ii couldn't trust it if ii wanted to. I know that me and this guyy are going to get to a happy place... a place far more happier than we already are, and unintentionally i'm going to push him away. i'm going to accidentally find little reasons of why ii should be alone instead of happy with him. Well at least thats how ii feel now. But ii know once ii start believing in my heart that happiness doesn't have to be just temporary, then that's when i'll let love take it's course once again. the point of it all is thats it's all because...of you...

Here's Too Us..

I've always been told that life is a game. You have some that were born winners. There's others with vengeance in their eyes to play the game at all costs. Survival of the fittest. Doing anything they have to do to get to where they have to go. That includes hurting the ones that where by your side while you got there...And then there's others like me that are just learning the rules. You either play the game or let the game play you. I've tried the rules...they may work for everybody but im somebody different. The playing 'hard to get', the 'keeping your guards up', the 'never wearing your heart on your sleeve', and the 'money over everything'...all key things to a life full of success. But ii won't be where ii wanna be, if ii don't have someone to share it with. I remember when I was in the 9th grade, ii prayed to God and told him all ii wanted was somebody to love, ii said ii would endure all the ups and the downs, the joy and the pain..all ii wanted was to love. Boy oh boy did he give me ALL of that and all the tears that ii could bear. I got what I wanted...I've got the chance to love...and love hard. Now that I've mastered that part, ii know what it should feel like when ii get it in return. No more games. Blissful honesty and innocent love. It may not get me up the success ladder, BUT it'll get me where ii truely wanna be....in the arms of someone who loves me. Soooo here's to making our own rules...to this game called l i f e.

~ Beyonce ~ Smash Into You ~

"And im soaked in your love, and love is right in my path..in my grasp...and me and you belong. I'm willing to run, smash into you..."

My Words of the Week

"The thing about love is that there IS a difference between giving up and letting go. For one is just for the moment and one is...forever"//

How It Feels To Fly

Sooooooo we have talked everyday, all day for the past 2 weeks. Funny...cause ii still feel the same ii did on day one. We even agreed on a song that fit us perfectly. && I find myself singing it...

i was wondering maybe..

if i make you my baby..

&& we do the unthinkable..

would it make us look crazy?

or would it be so beautiful..

either way im saying..

if you ask me

I'm Ready..

If you ask me im ready//

Or am I?I have gotten so accustomed to the same things, that im scared to see what happiness feels like again. I'm scared that this feeling is becoming a little bit repetitive. Or is it that I just want it so bad for myself, even if its only temporary, just a wisp of someone elses reasons to smile. those four letters. those same four letters that can make you or break you. trip you and trick you. hurt you and change you. manipulate and derange you. yepp! those same four letters that makes all of those things worth while. l o v e. for someone to fall...for who ii am, even when who ii am isn't who ii wanna be. for someone to study the things that make me tick...just so our hearts can be on the same beat. for someone to jeopardize their happiness...just so they can feel exactly how ii feel after a long day of work. for someone to be capable of making me feel like every tear i've ever dropped, every hurt i've ever cried, and every smile i've ever faked to make things seem alright due to him, HIM, him...oh and him...was worth it? now what was it again that ii was scared of??? *sigh* if you ask me. im ready.

So Far Gone

I want to be able to look at everything ii do and say that it was worth it. But thats not possible. I've done some things that have been everything but such, but every mistake ii made makes me appreciate the lesson that much more. Whether I learn from the lesson or never do, mistakes were made to teach. I don't look at any past person in my life as a mistake, although ii used to. But now, I see that they taught me what kind of future persons too look forward too. It teaches me about the persons I need to stop expecting to be there and accept the people that never planned to leave my side. I can tell day by day that im growing. Growing from the person ii always was into the person that i've never been. But thats a good thing.The things I never did are the same things I needed to do to step forward. It wasn't a kilometer or a mile...maybe not even a leap, but its the movement that counts. I know they're thinking, she's so far gone and too far to come back. They're right. Im at my checkpoint on a one-way street. I can look back all ii want....but the only direction ii can go is laying in front of me. ♥

UNFORGETTABLE

Where Were You.

I really don't need anyone's sympathy. But it hurts to think of what this has made me. Family. You can either love them or hate em? But what if you feel nothing at all? I mean how can ii feel for something ii never felt was there? Daddy was there in the beginning. Yep, he was there every afternoon while my mom was at work, with a different woman on her back. I couldn't have been more than 4...my sister 7 && ii can still replay each account in my head. Mommy got strength enough to leave. Maybe she was just tired of being the other woman in her own marriage. My mom remarried into what seemed like 10 years of hell. Abuse hurts, deeper than just the bruises. Its as if men could seek out my moms insecurities...sweep in and take control. I vowed that it would never be me. No man would see my weaknesses. Yet growing up with a sister, carmel complexion, and lets not forget a size 1, confidence within me was never reassured. To cry on the bus rides home from taunts and jokes about how dark ii was, for white and black kids to point and laugh and ask was ii burned...didn't quite trigger my self-esteem. For my aunts and grandparents to glow about how thin and pretty my sis was and refer to me as JUST the "straight A" student. My mind was all screwed up. In high school ii was a cheerleader but that was only to hide behind a false image that made me feel temporarily beautiful. I was sooo screwed up, ii must have only dated athletes to make me feel better. I gave them ANYTHING that they wanted: my time, my heart, my body, my soul. Anything for them to stick around just a little bit longer. But they didn't. They still don't. Of course ii know why now. *sigh* sometimes ii think if daddy would have stayed around...been the one to tell me ii was beautiful...maybe if my ex-step dad would of embraced us instead of deveined us. Maybe if my mom showed us her strength, ii wouldnt have been as weak as she was. The past is the past...&& things are coming around. but even years from now...ii will always question, where were you when ii needed you?

At Your Best

I criticize myself a lot, this ii know. im fragile, sensitive, gullable, and naiive, but ii also know that all of these are things that make me better. I have what most people lack, && that is a good heart. I couldn't even wish the worst on the person that hurt me the most. Possibly because its too close to call. I sit and ask myself, "Casilya, why do you just let people walk in and out of your life, hurt you when you try to help them, take away your smile in exchange for tears?" It took me a while, but ii finally know the answer. People will walk in your life, if only for a second, just to shake things up a bit. They teach you how to love, it teaches you how to hate, it taught me how to decide between the two. People will walk out of your life to teach you how to forgive, how to let go, and how to move on. People come back to show you that you did your part in their life, you've touched a heart or inspired a mind. People stick around to show others that they should have never left in the first place. Every downfall puts me closer to my best. I just had to learn how to take it.

Words of the Day

" You can fake a smile, but your eyes speak your soul."

Say When

Why is it so hard for people to choose? Time waits for no one. No one includes you and me. I mean ii won't lie, I do not know exactly what I'm looking for, but at least ii have some type of an idea. You on the other hand live life as if the world will wait on you. Or maybe it will, but i'll be the one person that doesn't. I dont quite know about you, but my heart beats continuously. That means 24/7. Meaning that each second, its gonna feel for you a little bit more, want you a little bit longer. There's no pausing, rewinding, or fast forwarding. I have to feel every single second. So just tell me whats it gonna be. Her or me. Them or we. Don't drag me to the end...take these words. I need my world to begin again.

Tell It To My Heart

It seems you have some explaining to do...

I feel some type of misunderstanding.

Tell me again when you tapped out...

cause ii was still in for the fight.

While you were thinking of all that was wrong

I sat believing in all that was right.

But you don't quite see it

Where we've been, where we are,

or where we could and should be.

I use to hate how much ii loved you

and now all ii do is hate you...

But, I don't...

But ii want too.

Only if that would just make you

read it,

see it,

weep it,

breathe it!

Retract these tears..

Contract these thoughts.

See what you found

and feel what you lost.

Remember me

Remember us...

Miss me

and my touch

But you can't

Or at least you won't

Your so far gone

and im flying in coach.

Wishing it was us in first class

Cruising with time

with love as our blast

and our light when its dark

still thinking of you

man ii hate this part

But its over now

Thats how you chose it to be

But whats life without you

when your loves still in me?

*When you find out, tell it to my heart. For it still needs a bit more convincing.

♥ you Shi.

I Can't Help But Wait.

I've never had someone to tell me that ii was special. Someone who cared about my feelings so much that they wanted things to be just right. The right pace. Just so not one of my feelings would get hurt again. Someone who makes me look from the inside out because it's just as beautiful as what I'm seeing in front of me. A person that takes each day as a second chance to make it better than what preceded it. I know that God won't always give me who ii want, when ii want them. But ii do know that he is going to give me exactly what ii deserve...and that's an angel. Patience my dear. iHe says to me....ii know he is holding out on giving me this person because he wants to make sure i've found myself and my personal strength first. Cause when he places this person in front of me. I need to be able to appreciate it in all that it is...a blessing. Until then....all ii can do is wait.

Unthinkable

what is it that draws us to someone else? cause im drawn. ii have to admit that, just when ii can stand straight up...there is something that always pushes me to fall again. && in my case, falling for a friend is way more different than falling for a stranger.ii value my friendship with him dearly, but there has to be a reason why i've been having these 'more than friends' type of feelings. see my friend isn't someone ii would usually talk to but maybe its time for something different. *sigh* ii dont know what to do...maybe i'll see how he feels first before ii get to deeply involved. hmm...but if he asks me. I'M READY...